Fifty Days Underground

March 6, 2014

Who inspired today's broken heart song?

A woman doesn’t know how to stop breaking other people’s hearts. She defines herself as the villain and the victim, the heartbreaker. Growing up, she saw a lot of people around her getting hurt. As a result, she has little trust for anyone, especially men.

All her life, she was never able to commit to anyone. She created excuses and kept breaking up with every guy she dated. She also never respected herself enough to resist the craving of a man’s touch. She fell too easily and too quickly for anyone who looked her way. As a result, her relationships weren’t grounded on anything.

She was in two serious relationships, both for about two years. The only difference in these situations was that she just happened to commit for as long as she did. They still started out of her insecurities and inability to say no to a man’s admiration. She rushed into both relationships because she was lonely and felt incomplete without male companionship.

I titled this song Monster because I feel like that’s how she sees herself. It’s a self-loathing song with a heart-wrenching plea for change. Some people might disagree with me on this, but I don’t see this woman as a villain and I hope she can stop seeing herself as one. She’s human, a very broken human. Although I have never personally experienced what she is going through, in its own way, this story hits close to home. And it’s the one story that has affected me the most throughout this entire journey thus far. When I read her e-mail, I got goosebumps. It’s dark, it’s eerie and it’s the epitome of brokenhearted. And the guilt and sadness she poured out shows that there is a good heart tangled in that brokenness.

Where did you play?

Times Square – 42nd St. Today was my first day performing during the evening rush hour. 

How much did you earn?

$10.27 – A little too much chatting and not enough singing. ;)

Did anything unusual happen?

I started playing in a long passageway by the 7 train. I successfully played there before so I thought I’d give it another shot. I never played an evening weekday shift before, and it was a packed. It was definitely the largest crowd I’ve ever performed in front of before and it was overwhelming. I rarely get nervous anymore, but I got extremely nervous and kept looking down. It was a completely different energy than in the morning. I definitely felt like I got more stares and I felt more self-conscious. I guess that means I’m going to have to do more evening performances.

About halfway through my set, I saw red and blue lights from the corner of my eye. The next thing I knew there was a policeman next to me on a giant Segway (think Mall Cop). He asked me if I had a permit, and after I responded no, he told me I had to leave and needed a permit to be playing in the subway (here we go again). I very kindly told him about my previous experiences with this and my legal research, to which he responded, “Well fine, you can play over there by the elevators.” So I walked a couple feet over to the elevators and started setting up. He rolled up to me again and said, “No, not here. Over here,” and pointed to a spot right next to me. He wasn’t joking. So I shuffled over to exactly where he wanted me. Man’s greatest downfall: The need for power.

Did you meet anyone interesting?

I met an older woman named Rebecca. She had light blue eyes and a pink scarf wrapped around her head. This woman loved to talk, and she had stories to tell. I could write an entire blog post on Rebecca’s stories, so I’ll stick with my favorite one which was about honeybees. She is very passionate about raising awareness on particular topics. She mentioned a nonprofit that she works with, but sadly I couldn’t hear her very well amongst the crowds of people. Rebecca passionately talked to me about honeybees and the importance of their existence in our world. She went into very explicit details, and it was quite fascinating. She asked me to write a song about honeybees, so I shall. She was extremely sweet, gave me a donation and said she hoped she would see me again. She also said she hoped that I made a lot of money because she knows what it’s like to be a poor woman. I am obsessed with human hearts.      

I met a young man named Church. When I asked him if that was his real name he said, “No, but that’s what I go by.” It’s amazing to me that I was singing in a long passageway of very fast moving New Yorkers and this one person stopped in the middle of all the movement just to hear me sing. When I finished my song, he clapped and came over to talk to me. Also musically gifted, a lyricist and rapper, he was brave enough to rap one of his songs and share some of his lyrics with me. He even told me his broken heart story on the spot, which involved being broken up with on his birthday. He stayed to hear me sing for a while.

My friend Jay came to visit me! I just love getting visitors. If you don’t remember Jay, he’s the very talented redhead of Jet Black Sunrise. Check out my blogs from Day 4 and Day 8 to hear us singing together. He should be making a comeback sooner or later. He kindly shot today’s video footage for me. We then spent a lot of time chatting and catching up, so no complaints there.

What's the best advice you received from a stranger?

I can’t tell you because it’s something I already plan on doing and don’t want to ruin the surprise for you. So fun facts:

There was a beautiful white flower hanging on a pipe above me where I was singing. I wish I knew its story.

I think I recently wrote one of my best songs to date, but I’m too scared to set it free.

I am currently flying first class by sheer luck and overstuffed myself with wine, pasta and cookies even though I already ate lunch before this. I also took photos of everything to which my neighbor (obviously an experienced first class flyer) snubbed me.

How are you feeling?

I’m writing this blog entry from an airplane. Flights have always inspired some of my most intense poems, stories, lyrics and songs. I have a deep connection with the sky and fantasy of flying. So beware. I’m not sure what words could spill out here.

Oddly enough, there’s a song playing through my ear buds that my former boyfriend sent me when we first started dating. I listened to it nonstop on a 13-hour flight to Nigeria almost two years ago. I was obsessed it – each word, each note and each instrument. I was infatuated with him. It was the first time I ever felt myself falling in love. I remember writing him teary-eyed letters on the airplane.

So the second the song came on right now as I’m in a very similar setting, I turned it off. And then I realized I’ve been doing that a lot in my life lately. Turning it off. I’ve been avoiding all of these emotions because I’m too scared, too exhausted to feel them. I still haven’t fully grasped the ability to be vulnerable. I think mainly because I feel like life’s too short to dwell. And I choose to focus on what makes me happy.

But I also know I’m not being entirely honest to myself. And I know I’ll never reach the truest form of myself if I don’t acknowledge everything that I’m feeling. Or write that hit song. ;) So I’ve decided for the rest of this plane ride, I will listen to the song on repeat. It may sound like I’m torturing myself, but I see it more as facing my fears and accepting where I am in my life.

It’s peculiar, but the more people I talk to about heartbreak, relationships and healing, the more different I feel. The irony is that I started this project to make us all feel connected, and not alone. And although it’s certainly doing that, I think I have to just accept that I’m a strange creature. I’m a monster in my own way, but a monster with an enormously loyal heart. And I’m realizing that is such a blessing and a curse. When I love, I love forever. And I don’t know how to give up.

The truth is I can’t fathom loving anyone else. And that’s my biggest battle right now. Everyone says time heals all, and I can accept that. I can also accept that for the most part, I’m healed. I don’t cry anymore. I’m happy with myself and I’m happy with my life. And I’ve worked rigorously for years to reach this point. But how do you fall out of love? How do you move on? While many of my friends encourage me to date, rebound and enjoy other fun-filled activities, I can’t. Nothing without meaning is attractive to me. To be honest, I don’t have time, but secondly, my heart won’t let me. I feel like I would be betraying my heart’s truest desires. Many people have told me they don’t get over someone until they date someone else. But that seems so dishonest to every person in that situation.

On another note, is it bad that I can see myself perfectly happy by myself for the rest of my life? And if weren’t for the fact that I do want little minions with full heads of jet-black curly hair running around one day, I would accept a lovely life of solitude. Oh, Day 50 is going to be fun.

So there. Take that stupid fears. Vulnerable enough?

© 2014 Kelly Bazely