April 3, 2014

Who inspired today's broken heart song?

A woman who lost her uncle to cancer when she was young. He had a rare form of cancer that the family knew would be fatal. He had a hospital bed in their living room. Her aunt took care of him when he was sick, and slept on a blow up mattress to be by his side. The woman remembers colorful lights flickering in the darkness from the machines hooked up to him.

He used to spin her and her sister around the room in the air. She would get in trouble for making balloons out of the rubber gloves that were meant to clean his breathing tube. She remembers seeing her mother cry in her bedroom, a heart wrenching memory because there have been very few occasions where she has seen her mother cry.

There were bag pipes playing at the funeral as men in kilts carried his casket to the church. She sat outside the church because the sadness was too much for her to handle. She now wears a snake ring identical to one he used to wear because it reminds her of how much she loves and misses him.

Like You're Not Gone is a melancholy song about this woman's loss. I tried to pour all her memories into the song, and let the somber notes carry her story. I liked the idea of loving someone like they're not gone. It's about making this person live forever through her love and beautiful memories.

Where did you play?

47-50th Streets—Rockefeller Center

How much did you earn?

$22.54

Did anything unusual happen?

I performed an evening shift today because I didn't have a song prepared. The exciting MTV meeting from yesterday set me back. I have to say, I prefer playing in the mornings by a long shot. People just seem so much happier and positive. At the end of the day, you can tell people's energies are low, they are tired and just want to get home. There are less smiles and more grumpy faces. But I can't blame them. I've definitely been there.

I didn't pass out as many cards as yesterday nor did a lot of people approach me to talk about the project. People were still generous in donating though. The song, "You Don't Want Me" continues to catch people's attention. I almost lost a dollar because my money kept flying out of my case - I have to find a way to fix that. I actually had a few stink eyes this evening and people looking at me with really confused faces. I can't help but laugh when that happens.

Did you meet anyone interesting?

I met a really kind older man named Raphael who was interested in the project. He had a beautiful accent. He took a card and seemed to appreciate what I was doing. He stood by me and listened to me sing until his train came, and then smiled and wished me good luck.

What's the best advice you received from a stranger?

No advice, so fun facts:

I sang next to a stinky puddle of something. An accordion player beat me to the less stinky spot on the platform.

I saw a couple rats running down the tracks. I kept telling myself they were just dancing to the music.

I was checking my my Facebook page stats yesterday, and most of my active users are from Defiance, Ohio. Thank you, Ohio!

How are you feeling?

I’m feeling pretty good. I wish I were ahead in my songwriting so I wasn’t stuck in this evening shift performing this week. I’m going to have to play tomorrow midday or evening as well. I hate to say it but I hit a point this week where I feel ready for this project to be over. Twenty more days seems like so many, and with the warmer weather approaching, I’m honestly tired of writing sad songs. This project has helped me grow in more ways than I ever anticipated. It’s helped me break down walls that I never knew how to break and cross bridges that I never knew how to cross. I am at a place where I can say I am genuinely happy. But I’m ready to move on to the next chapter of my life. And I’m ready to write happy songs again, haha.

Lately everything has felt like change after change after change. I guess I grew up like that so I’m used to it. But sometimes I find that whenever I start to feel comfortable with a situation, it changes on me. And I have to adjust all over again. Maybe it’s just my age or living in New York City, but I’m tired of adjusting. I can’t remember where I read or heard this, but I jotted it down: “I can do anything I want, but what I really want is to belong somewhere, to feel like somewhere is home.” I can count on one hand the times in my life where I felt like I was home. It still feels like a huge missing puzzle piece in my life, and I’m ready to try to create a home for myself. Song of the day: Where Is My Home? by Glass Pear.

Listen to the full version of Like You're Not Gone

“I remember the bag pipes they played for him. I remember the men in kilts carrying his casket to the church. I remember the tears. I remember going to sit outside the church because all the sadness was too much for me to handle.”