Fifty Days Underground

June 3, 2014

Who inspired today's broken heart song?

A woman who knew she had to let go of her love simply because it wasn't right anymore. There was no cheating involved nor was the ending due to any major event. She described the relationship as an on and off ride, "mixed with amazing, sad, lovely, lonely and a whole shit storm of other things." She didn't feel the same way she had felt years before. She said it was the most grown up thing she's ever done, but it didn't make it any less painful or terrible to go through. Her words are some of the most beautiful I have received thus far and left me with goosebumps, so I feel it's necessary to share them:

The actual ending of a thing can happen rather abruptly. Short, quick, cutting words that change the terms of the relationship.

Then there's the shit ton of space that appears after. Suddenly the world is open and terrifying. Those fallen words signify that everything that was intertwined is now going to unravel.

I've been on both sides of the thing, but it's only now that I truly understand the weight of being the one to let go.

It is fucking hard.

Letting go because something deep in the core says it's just not right.

No wrong, no fault. It just wasn't. Despite all of the ways it was...

Being the one to let go doesn't make it easier. It didn't stop the night my body was taken over by this thing. This sad, sad thing. When I sobbed and fell to my floor. Just sobbing and reaching. Curling myself into a ball wishing I could curl myself into nothing.

Oh this life.

The circles. The switching of places. Of being put where someone was, only to better understand the whole thing.

I remember being thrilled to get to the other side (in another terrible matter of the heart), but now I think it's just about getting to another side.

Constant movement. Rotating spaces. Shifting.

I take comfort in believing that we are all connected.

That somehow... it works itself out.

That we're all from the same thing. A gigantic love sparkle bubble that is life. An extraordinary thing that we can't really understand.

That we will all be together again. Those we've hurt, loved, disliked, all of it.

Maybe the thing isn't meant to be understood. Only explored.

Time To Let Go is the first song I have been able to write about letting go. It's a topic I've wanted to touch on, but very emotionally challenging for me because of where I am in my own life. She talks about still loving the person but needing to let go. I purposely made the song more upbeat because as heartbreaking as letting go can be, I wanted to touch on the positive side of it. The part that can be liberating, freeing and moving on to the next best chapter.

Where did you play?

Jay St. – Metrotech and Lorimer Street/Metropolitan Ave.

How much did you earn?

$12.06

Did anything unusual happen? 

My morning started with me walking in the sticky and humid weather to the train station only to realize I had left my subway card at home! For some reason, my keyboard feels ten times heavier in the heat than in the cold. So I trudged home, changed clothes (because I was so sweaty), and then went back out again. I had to explain why I'm wearing two different tops in the video! Haha

A musician with a guitar and microphone strapped to him, stopped by with a smile on his face. He stood by me, and listened very carefully. He had his hand by his ear and kept nodding as I sung certain notes. He bobbed his head in approval as I sung, which gave me extra adrenaline to sing my heart out. When I was done with the song, he left applauding with his hands raised in the air. I love the community of musicians down there, and how supportive everyone is of each other. It never feels competitive. It's quite beautiful.

There was a random, short guy who stood a little too close to me on my right side. He didn't say or do anything, but rather just stood there. He left, but after a few songs, he came back. I finally said hello, but he just continued to stare. I ignored him, and he eventually left. There are some strange characters in this city.

With the summer here, there have been a lot of precious kiddos around while I've been performing. There were a group of kids (looked like a day camp) paired up in twos. When their chaperones were trying to talk to them, they had their heads turned around watching me. I love how innocent and curious children are. I can't help but smile big every time I see them.

I performed twice today because my friend and amazing photographer Kelly (Kelly Kollar Photography) was kind enough to take a few promo shots for me by the "Your Story" tiles at the Lorimer Street/Metropolitan Ave. stop. People seemed interested in the project there, so I'll definitely have to hit up that station again.

Did you meet anyone interesting?

Two smiling women stopped by, and one of them told me that she was really proud to see a woman performing. She said it's rare, and she gets really excited whenever she stumbles upon a woman busker. I explained the project to them, and they were both really touched. They each gave me a donation and took a card.

What's the best advice you received from a stranger?

No advice today, so fun facts:

There was a tall guy at the Lorimer Street/Metropolitan Ave. stop who walked by with books balancing on his head and tons of flowers in his hair. 

A musician who just finished performing kindly informed me that there was an open spot on the platform if I wanted to take it.

My F key (the most important one) has been broken since Day 3.

How are you feeling?

I'm feeling slightly better than the last time I posted. I love the thunderstorms we've been having lately. Mother Nature always has a way of calming my soul. I'm still looking forward to finishing the project, but I'm trying to embrace these last days now instead of rushing them. I feel like I haven't had enough time to work on the show, and that's my biggest ball of stress right now. I know the next two months are going to fly, and I need to be rehearsing with other musicians and actors sooner than later. For those of you performing and participating, I am extremely grateful. Thank you SO much.

Working from home is bittersweet. You have no one to bother you, you don't need to go to meetings, you can work in your pajamas and take as many lunch breaks as you want. But it can also get extremely lonely. I mean don't get me wrong, I love my cat, but she's just not the same as a human being. I said I'd never be this girl, so I'll hold my breath as I type this: I do miss having a boyfriend. Summer's here, and it makes me miss the weekend road trips and adventures. But even if I wanted that, I can't get myself to date. I'm stuck in this limbo of still wanting to be with him, unable to open my eyes to the possibility of someone new. I know what I want, but I also know that I have to accept that maybe he doesn't love me in the same way. Maybe he really just wants to be friends. And that is really fucking hard (excuse my French). Everyone says to make yourself happy first. But from the most honest pit of my heart, I am happy. I guess I just miss sharing that happiness with someone else.

If you haven't seen it, I recently launched a Kickstarter to help with fundraising for The Fifty Days Underground show. I had a slight panic attack before I posted it. Maybe it's just the way I've been raised, but the idea of asking for money gives me extreme anxiety. My friend who helped me set it up kept reassuring me that the money is not for me, but for the show. Even though I know that, and there's obviously no pressure for anyone to donate, it still makes me somewhat anxious. But for those of you who have already donated, I wanted to say THANK YOU on behalf of myself and all the other performers and participants. We are extremely grateful for your generosity in helping us make this show come to life. I truly hope you all can make it. I'm getting more and more excited about it each and every day!

© 2014 Kelly Bazely