July 14, 2014

Who inspired today's broken heart song?

A man whose wife of four years came to the conclusion that she is a lesbian, and left him for another woman. They were together for a total of ten years. This all happened three weeks before they bought a house–a house that he thought they were to begin a family in. She moved out and lives with the other woman and her two kids. Incidentally, the other woman is married as well so both husbands got left by their wives. They are still speaking as they try to sell the house, but he feels like it will end as soon as it sells. It's been incomprehensibly difficult for him to wrap his mind around the situation, and has left him brokenhearted.

Tumbling Down was inspired by a vision I had of this man's new house crashing to the ground. The house and everything he imagined it to be, a home for his wife and future children, was merely an unfulfilled dream. I tried to incorporate his emotions of confusion, loss and brokenness. If nothing else, I hope the song helps him grieve and remember that he is not alone.

Where did you play?

Jay Street–Metrotech

How much did you earn?

$8.00

Did anything unusual happen?

It's so hot and sticky! Performing in this humid weather was certainly not my plan, but alas, I'm so close to the end! I was definitely drenched in sweat after the first few minutes of singing.

I originally planned on performing locally at the 7th Ave. Park Slope stop (I had a photo shoot for work today and couldn't venture too far), but when I got there, there was already a guitarist strumming and singing his tunes. Finding decent busking spots in the summer is tricky! So I got on the train and went to my next closest favorite spot, Jay Street–Metrotech.

There was an older man who approached me with a huge smile on his face and dropped a dollar next to my hand on my keyboard. Two little girls waiting with their mother kept staring, smiling and dancing. Since no performance is a complete without a creepy person, a man stared at me for a long time whilst rubbing his stomach. Maybe I resemble some sort of food item? As I was packing up, there was another older man who walked up to me and joked, "The morning has just begun and you're already done working?!" I laughed. If only that were true, haha.

Did you meet anyone interesting?

There was an older man who stopped to ask about the project. He seemed intrigued, like he wanted to share something with me. After talking for a little bit, he told me about his life struggle with drug addiction. He mentioned that he has been an addict for forty-five years, and was currently on his way to therapy. He then went on to talk about addiction and how it's something everyone deals with all over the world. He even joked about addicts who live in jungles.

A gentleman in a suit named Otis approached me and asked me if I took donations (I forgot to bring a dollar to drop into my case). He then dropped some money into my case, and asked if I was Christian. He said he saw me from the opposite platform, and felt a strong need to come over and talk to me. He said there was an energy, a light about me. His words were very sincere, and I was genuinely touched. When I explained the project to him, he nodded and said, "I could already tell you are trying to heal through music. But remember, we can't do it alone. It's bigger than all of us. We have to do it together."

What's the best advice you received from a stranger?

Probably Otis's reminder about working together as a community, and not being able to do everything alone. I'm definitely a control freak, especially with planning this show. I think it's because I have such a particular vision for everything, but I know I need to let go of some things and accept help when it's offered to me.

How are you feeling?

Great! I was really nervous to perform today. It's been almost a month! Time really does fly. But to my surprise, I fell back into it quite quickly and the nerves died as soon as I started singing the first song. I've been extremely stressed out planning the show lately, and although I'm SO excited for it, I'm equally terrified. I can't say I've ever planned anything on a scale this large before and I just hope everyone likes it. I have nightmares about people being really unimpressed. Not because the talent isn't amazing (I know these musicians, singers and actors are phenomenal), but because the songs are bad or I fuck up in some way or another. And the fact that my dad is going to see me perform for the first time ever just adds so much more pressure. All human feelings, I think.

I keep thinking back to that day I started this project. Not knowing what it would become externally, but also not knowing what it would do to me internally. I watch myself live day to day as a completely changed person with so much more trust and faith in myself and in life. It was easy to say I believe everything happens for a reason, but now I can live and breathe that. Everyone kept telling me I would wake up one day and be okay. I anticipated that day for what felt like a really long time. I don't remember when, where or how it happened, but today I can admit with so much gratitude that I am okay. I am more than okay. I am full and happy. :) The truth is I have no idea what the next chapter is in my life. But instead of being afraid, I am actually really looking forward to it. I'm excited for the next adventure. I love that there's a whole journey ahead of me. So I guess my biggest lesson lately is not to dread the unknown. Embrace it.

Three more to go! :)

Listen to the full version of Tumbling Down

“My wife came to the conclusion she is a lesbian and left me for another woman. This all happened three weeks after we bought a house—a house I thought we were to begin a family in. To say it has taken a toll on me is putting it lightly.”