Fifty Days Underground

January 9, 2015

Who inspired today's broken heart song?

A woman whose heartbreak comes from within. She feels disconnected from everyone, including her five close, lifelong friends. She feels empty, misunderstood and isolated. She feels as though she is missing people in her life who are willing to openly care about her. These feelings make her question if she is selfish for expecting more from her friends or if it is natural to feel so alone. She feels compelled to be there for everyone else, and although she doesn't expect anything in return, she feels unappreciated. As a result of these feelings, she holds back in her life when she meets new people. She keeps new relationships at a distance in fear that she will expect too much from them or that they will sense her loneliness. She wants nothing more than for this heartbreak, that she believes is all created inside of her, to go away so she can enjoy her life. Writing to Fifty Days Underground was the first time she expressed these emotions, and they left her feeling guilty, as if she was seeking pity. Her e-mail was titled, "Openly Closed" as a way to admit that she has somehow closed herself off by trying to be open.  

Vacant was inspired by this woman's emptiness. This was a harder song for me to write because I struggled to connect to exactly what she was feeling. However, I went back to all the times I've felt alone or misunderstood in my own life, and tried to feed from that. I was inspired to write about her story because it's not really a heartbreak I've touched upon yet in this project. Most of them are based on relationships or the loss of someone, and not really self-related. The song talks about watching others grow and feeling like an outcast. It's about a person who is completely vacant, but crying for love to fill the empty hole. I think it was extremely brave for this woman to admit her feelings to me and and allow me to put her story into a song.

Where did you play?

Grand Central – 42nd St.

How much did you earn?

$4.34

Did anything unusual happen? 

I only played for about an hour today because one of my favorite persons, the lady from Day 24 who sung "My Heart Will Go On" over me made a reappearance and decided to sing over me again. To save the commuters from the horrible noise that was created from a mash up of my song and The Jackson 5's, "I'll Be There," I decided to pack up and go home. That and my vocal chords were sore after not subway performing for a few months.

There was a man who slowly walked by about four to five times who seemed very out of it. One time he had his thumbs up, another he had an interesting hat on, and then later I saw him doing some crazy yoga moves at the end of the tunnel.

I got a some nods, smiles and waves from a few people, and managed to give out a couple of cards. I sadly forgot a lot of my songs so I had to relearn them as I went today.

Did you meet anyone interesting?

I have to preface this by mentioning that I was wearing three layers of sweaters and a jacket today. So I basically looked like a marshmallow, but a very toasty and warm marshmallow. If you are in New York right now, then you know that it's freezing! Well, a man stopped and asked for a card. He seemed very curious, and I assumed it was music related because hey, I was singing and playing the piano. But instead, he told me he worked in fashion and was looking for swimsuit models. I just laughed. I wasn't sure if I should be flattered or offended so I just laughed. But now I can't stop thinking about marshmallows walking down runways in swimsuits.

What's the best advice you received from a stranger?

I'm cheating because this isn't from a stranger, but rather a quote that my very wise and beautiful sister sent to me:

"The most confused we ever get is when we try to convince our heads of something our hearts know is a lie." - Karen Moning

How are you feeling?

I was almost equally as terrified to sing today as I was the first day I started this project. It might as well have been the first day since my last post was four months ago. I'm not sure why I waited so long to finish a project I was so close to ending, but I've been constantly angry with myself about it. And ironically, the more frustrated I become with myself, the harder it is to just do it because it suddenly becomes a giant cloud of pressure and stress hanging over my head that I want to avoid at all causes. There is no excuse. But there are some regrets. Alas, here I am trying to reach the finish line, and although it may not be the grand finale I imagined, I'm still determined to cross it.

Mentally, I closed the door on Fifty Days Underground four months ago after the show. The show was probably the pinnacle of 2014 for me, and it felt like the firework ending that I wanted. It was a huge blessing and more blissful than I could have ever imagined. And then life caught up. So performing today was hard work mostly because my heart already said goodbye to this project a while ago. I think that's another reason why I only lasted an hour. However, it was nice to prove to myself that I could still perform in front of swarms of commuters because to be honest, I had my doubts. I have been swimming in a pool of self-doubt lately. The new year always terrifies me, and I know I'm not alone in that. My goal has always been to lead a meaningful life and do something that matters, but I feel like the new year always adds on extra pressure. I get overwhelmed with the future and everything I want/need to do, and suddenly get so lost in my priorities and goals. Thus, my annual life crisis. And the older I get, the worst it seems to get. I kid you not, I was looking up dentistry schools after going to get my teeth cleaned the other day.

While I don't think I'm going to become a dentist, I do often question how much weight I want my music to have in my life. Artist or not, I do think about having a family one day and wanting to give my little ones as many wonderful opportunities and experiences as I have had. And I do dream of the day that I can afford the house with the backyard and baby grand piano. While I could easily see myself living happily ever after as a songwriter, I do sometimes get scared that I'm being selfish by sacrificing my future family's happiness for my own.

If there is one thing I am sure of, it's that songwriting has always been a tool that I have wanted to use selflessly to help others in any way that I can. In doing so, I am able to reach a certain kind of fulfillment that I can't seem to grasp anywhere else. I love being a vessel. And that thought keeps me eagerly excited about the next grand endeavor I am about to begin (still a secret... for now). I've been battling with myself about the heaps of work, time and money that it will take to pursue this next project, but then I think living with the regret of not doing it would be more painful than the effort it is going to take to put into it.

And then I think about YOU. Your patience and support is the sole reason I have gotten this far, and the main reason I am ever able to keep going. When I was in Ohio a couple weeks ago, a young woman put her hands on my shoulders, looked me in the eyes and said, "FINISH FIFTY DAYS." While this may seem small to her or the person standing next to her, for me, it's everything. It's the reason I made my way to Grand Central today to perform Day 49. I had another special moment a few months ago when I was volunteering at a gala that benefited young actors. An older woman with beautiful blue eyes, wearing a gorgeous gown attended the Fifty Days Underground show, and stopped to talk to me. The words she said as she held my hand and looked me in the eyes will forever live in my heart. I left speechless in tears, full of inspiration, hope and gratitude. So even with the thought monsters bringing me down, because of you I am able to find a little piece of courage to not only finish this project, but to push through to the next one. Thank you will never be enough.

49 down, 1 to go...

© 2014 Kelly Bazely