Fifty Days Underground

January 31, 2014

Who inspired today's broken heart song?

A woman who got divorced last year, at 30 years old, after a four year marriage. It was completely unexpected and heart wrenching. He came home from work one day and told her that he loved her, but was not in love with her and had been feeling this way for a couple of years.

Today's song, Carry Me Home, is all about rekindling one's faith. It's about being completely and utterly broken, but still able to hold on to faith, trust and hope. And that's exactly what this woman did.

Where did you play?

Times Square – 42nd Street and 4th Ave/9th Street.

How much did you earn?

$0

Did anything unusual happen?

I suppose this shouldn't be unusual anymore, but a cop asked me to leave.  He was really nice about it, and told me although I technically wasn’t doing anything illegal, he was going to have to politely ask me to leave because of the high security due to Super Bowl weekend.

Did you meet anyone interesting?

Just the cop! He was actually really friendly and apologetic. He kept thanking me for being so understanding. Such a different experience from the last cop, Mr. Handcuffs and Bologna Sandwiches.

What's the best advice you received from a stranger?

No advice.

How are you feeling?

I spent my evening writing a song about a cat that died, and I was slightly embarrassed about singing it today. Last night, I was feeling nauseous, ­exhausted and lonely. If you know me, you know that I’m generally a very happy and energetic person. I’m a tough cookie, and it’s just hard for me to get down. I feel like I’m usually the one pumping other people up. I have been frustrated with myself lately because I have been so tired and I’m not sure why. I don’t think I’m physically or mentally exerting more energy than I would on a regular workday, but I think I’m subconsciously stressed out and not admitting it to myself. I’m the queen of pretending everything’s okay and ignoring emotions that I don’t want to feel. Because having to feel might mean having to feel shitty, and well, I’d rather not go there.

I had three absurd nightmares last night: 1) My mom told me I was fat and needed to lose weight, 2) My roommate moved out and took all of my stuff with her (including the toilet tank), and 3) My ex told me he wanted to start dating other people and never wanted to see or talk to me ever again. So I woke up feeling sick, tired and grumpy, and not wanting to sing in front of people, especially about a cat that died.

I told myself I’d get it together by midday and go sing in Times Square by lunchtime since it would be busy with Super Bowl tourists. I switched my song to one I wrote about rekindling your faith that tied perfectly with a story I received last week. I still wasn't really feeling it when I got to Times Square, but I didn’t let that stop me. I found a nook with tons of traffic, and set up. Two songs in, I had a cop approach me and tell me I couldn’t play there.

Cop: “I don’t know what a terrorist looks like. If I were a terrorist, I would recruit a pretty girl like you that no one would suspect.”

Me: “I can assure you I’m not a terrorist.” 

He suggested I go to Grand Central, and although I considered it, I just didn’t have it in me. I took the train straight back home, without a recording of me singing the song of the day. I ended up writing some very heavyhearted lyrics on my phone. As if I wasn’t originally frustrated with myself, now I was really aggravated. I didn't want to go home feeling completely defeated, so I got off at my stop, pulled out my keyboard and started to sing the song. There were only a few people on the platform, and they looked at me like I was crazy. And maybe I am. But it certainly felt empowering to ignore everything around me and inside of me, and just sing that song. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that today’s song ended up being about faith.

So although I’m still feeling down, I’m realizing I have a lot of work to do in the faith department. And I’m also starting to figure out why I’m so tired. It’s a knot of emotions that I need to figure out how to untangle and relinquish. It’s hope, it’s expectations, it’s brokenness, it’s anger and it’s love. It’s my own story that I have been trying so hard to ignore by focusing on writing songs about everyone else. I wish healing didn't take time, I wish it could happen overnight, and I'm realizing pretending that I'm perfectly content is probably not the healthiest approach to my life right now. But being vulnerable is just so difficult for me, as is posting this blog.

So thank you to this particular woman for sending in her story, and reminding me of how important faith is. And how nothing else can fill you up in the same way faith can. I set out to sing this song for your story today, but I equally needed to sing and hear it. All of your stories are inspiring me in more ways than I could ever imagine. 

© 2014 Kelly Bazely